<div id="first-passage"> I’ve been cleaning my old room
Not much else to do
I haven’t cleaned in years
It’s still hard to open these boxes, I think
It sounds simple until it isn’t
Unopened things
Stored away things
Unsettling things
There’s a lot of process in my heart as I see old things
Toys, figurines, pencils, receipts
Each thing holding a moment I barely remember now
And yet I still don’t throw it out
I feel like I’m saying hello to my old selves
A different stage in a different box
Collecting dust in the corner of my room
Hi everyone, it’s been a while
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<div id="second-passage"> [[Look at what's around you]]
<div>I don’t know any of you anymore
There’s pictures of us at a park
At the metro too
And us hanging out in my room
It’s bringing me back to old times
We made floor plans of our future house
Where we promised to live together
And be friends forever
And now we don’t talk
And I honestly don’t mind
I thought it’d hurt more to be frank
Maybe this is a sign of age
I feel weird about throwing the photos out
I don’t know if I should destroy them
I’ll keep you in a box I guess
And never look at you again
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</video>I look at this and I laugh a bit
I forgot how much you didn’t care about me
And how bad you were at gift giving
This is just a reminder
The Front Bottoms?
Car Seat Headrest?
You know I hate these bands
What were you thinking
The crudely drawn pictures of ghosts on the cover
And the lie on the front that says “I love you bamboo!!”
You didn’t even bother to get printer paper
Just lined paper ripped from your notebook
I don’t know why this birthday gift is so funny to me
I’m still upset at you for ruining my high school life
But now I can only giggle at this terrible memory of you
Into the trash you go, Blondie
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</video>This first folder is aged
This bright red manila
This thing filled with small pictures
This young me I’d long forgotten
There’s me in the classroom
There’s me at age 5
There’s stickers on my photos
There’s drawings I don’t remember
The second folder is new
The folder is untouched
The pages inside are stacked thick
The me from a few years ago I erased
And there’s doctor’s handwriting
And there’s therapy notes
And there’s diagnoses
And there’s prescriptions
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</video>Buttons are gone
A permanent scent
Gray knit
An outdated company
Inherited, taken
It was his favorite
We usually burn dead people’s clothes but
I couldn’t let go
Went to school after the funeral
With his cardigan
Strangers gave their regards
“Sorry for your loss”
Still in good condition
Still smells like him
Still wear it a lot
Still keeping it
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</video>I haven’t gone to church in a long time
God’s house makes me uncomfortable
The guy isn’t really what I believe in but
I can’t run from what I was born into
I do believe in something else though
My ancestors believed in Mother Earth
And I want to carry those beliefs
This jar of dead flowers is a reminder
Light a candle, burn the buds
Let the smoke eat the thoughts in your head
Crackle, pop, fizzle
Who do you want to hope for today?
Jar of dead flowers from places all over
Chamomile heads, rose petals, hyacinth buds
Dried and dead, gifted and stolen, waiting for the flame
I’ll need her for years to come
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[[Polaroid Photos]]
[[Gray Cardigan]]
[[The CD]]
[[Old Folders]]
[[Friends]]
[[Dead Flowers]]
[[Unknowns]]
[[Report Card]]
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<div id="second-passage">
[[I finished]]
<div>June 15th, 12th grade, school ended
Fuck, what am i going to do? How’d I mess up that bad?
I’m going to get in trouble again. Can’t risk losing my phone again.
Shove it in the drawer. Doesn’t exist now. Gone. Never came.
March 25th, college now, stuck at home
Fuck, what am I going to do? How’d I mess up that bad?
I’m going to get in trouble. Can’t risk losing my phone.
I can’t shove it in the drawer. It’s here and I don’t know where to put it.
But does it matter anymore?
Me barely passing back then?
1.5 GPA in high school?
Jesus, how did I even get into college?
Shove it in a box now.
Doesn’t exist now.
Gone.
Never came.
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</video>My boys have never failed me
These pals of mine are loyal and honest
My buddies since the beginning
My old friends, my beanie babies
My boys have seen a lot
These pals of mine, they’re safe in their room
My buddies since the beginning
My old friends, I won’t leave you
My boys have aged with time
These pals of mine with marks and tears
My buddies since the beginning
My old friends, old indeed
My boys, don’t worry just yet
These pals of mine will not leave me
My buddies, no goodbyes yet
My old friends, my beanie babies
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</video>Small pencils, dead pens, hair ties, loose receipts
Every drawer
Every surface
Every container and bag
Small pencils, dead pens, hair ties, loose receipts
All sizes and colors
All kinds of brands
All forgotten with time
Small pencils, dead pens, hair ties, loose receipts
I think I can still use this
I think I should keep this
I think I’ll put it away
Small pencils, dead pens, hair ties, loose receipts
You’re not even useful
You’re just deadweight
You’re still coming with me
You’re following me forever
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It’s done now.
It’s actually done now.
It’s empty now.
It’s not my room now.
There’s marks on the wall still.
Tape from poster, weird mystery scuffs
The time that I hit my head really hard,
It’s stuck here forever.
This place where I grew is going to be an office now.
Somewhere dad can do his work.
I know he’ll never actually use it but
It’ll be a useful room now.
It’s done now, I’m moving to my brother’s old room.
It’s actually done now, even this small change was important.
It’s empty now, and I can fill up a new space with better things.
It’s not my room now, it’s finally not my room now.
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